The cycle

I guess if there's always been one thing that I've always been semi-obsessed with is weight. My weight, celebrities' weights, pretty much everyone's weight. It wasn't always like this. Really. I tend to go through cycles where I become obsessed, bored/frustrated, and then completely stop caring, only to be sucked right back into the cycle all over again.
I don't really know where it started, but I'll tell you this : I remember every incident where someone called me overweight. I feel like most people have the ability to just say "fuck off" and move on, but even if I were to put up that front, I'd still remember. I will always remember.
Anyway, my sophomore year of high school people started getting really into posting pictures online on myspace.com and facebook.com. So, naturally, there were a lot of pictures of me. See, when someone pretty/thin takes a picture, they might make a comment on how terrible they look, but really, they know they look fine, they just can't admit it. When a fat girl gets her picture taken, she tries to do everything she can to just look remotely decent. Every picture will look gross regardless, so you need to try and look slightly less beastly and more human. So, this is where the story starts.
New years eve, my current group of friends wasn't into drinking or anything plus we were babies so we just played games, etc, taking pictures through the night. I looked at those pictures when I got home and didn't even know what to do. I was disgusting. I had terrible hair, horribly fat, red, cheeks, and disgusting rolls. And that was just above my waist. Below, I had thighs the size of an elephant's. I decided enough was enough! It was a new year, so it would be a new me. I got panera for lunch with my sister the next day (vegetable soup) as my last meal. I was going to lose weight.
I found the easiest way to do this was to sleep a lot. I would go to bed early, go to school (no lunch), do some homework, fall asleep right around 5:30ish (dinner time), and wake up at about 8 (too late to eat), and go to bed early just to do it all over again. I honestly just wasn't hungry. That "genius" system lasted about 3 weeks.
Once I started eating again ( I had begun to have headrush whenever I stood and had fallen a few tims) I decided to dabble a bit with bulimia. Not. Pretty. I do not wish that kind of treatment on anyone. Being bulimic was the lonliest time of my life. I used to stay up until three just so I could throw up whatever was left in my stomach. I used to fucking throw up in plastic bags in my bedroom and take them out with my garbage. Holding a warm bag of your own puke of the dinner your mother just made you is one of the saddest feelings in the world. I had lost 40 pounds.
The problem was, I was pretty big before, so this weight loss was seen as "great". I was almost encouraged for it...I rewarded myself with new clothes and everything. I finally had a boyfriend (who later turned out to be gay, whatever, not relevant but I felt like noting and we only dated for a month), and I felt great. I grew bored of having an eating disorder, and just began to eat light meals. I was also playing water polo, but I was probably buring twice the calories I put in.

so...a lot of what happened in between is a blur/boring.
I started running so I began eating more to have the energy (still thin)
stopped running, gained weight. (fat)
fat for prom, graduation, summer, etc.
entered college.

The beginning of college was a shameful time for me. I loved it there, and I had made great friends already, but I still had the losw self-esteem I've always had. One way I coped with this was being, well, quite frankly, a slut. I probably had sex with 8 different guys within the first month of being there. Just gaining weight, not exercising, fucking random boys, being miserable.

Then I met my boyfriend. He was nice, sweet, and called me beautiful. He thought I was gorgeous (what.), and we began dating. Dating him made me realize something.
When you're really happy, like really happy, you gain weight. It's that simple. You get fat. You already have the person you love, so you can stop trying to impress people!!! You're off the hook!! Needless to say, I gained A LOT of weight.

Currently, I'm the biggest I've been...ever. I am trying to be happy, really. It's so hard. I gained so much weight in the course of two freaking years!! I look back at pictures of when I was thin and I just feel like I'm that stranger's fat twin sister. It makes me so sad. I get so down, and who do I take it out on? Yep, my boyfriend. (He's responsible!!!) He tells me all the time I'm perfect and he loves me nad I'm not fat...but he doesn't know how I used to be/feel. I was made to be thin, as odd and unsettling as that sounds...my body is at its best when I am a little too thin. I have all of these disgusting stretch marks that FUCKING LOOK LIKE I JUST GAVE BIRTH. and I am so incredibly embarassed. I don't ever like to go out, just because I feel like I'm so ugly. I mean, I know there are other people out there who are much bigger than me, but I still think they're pretty and basically, better than me. I am so ugly when I am overweight. My face bloats up and I have these hideous cheeks!!! Oh my god!!! and my CHIN! my disgusting double chin!!! Nothing fits me anymore, I have a full closet just full of clothes that never get touched because they won't fit over my fat body. I feel like I'm in a fat suit.

All of my problems willl be answered once I lose all of this weight. Everything in my life will just fall into place. I just know it.

How am I going to do this? Exactly how I did it before. When people ask and when I actually do eat, I'm going vegan. NO ONE needs the fats and calories that come from dairy and meat. I've been a vegetarian for years, but now I will finally take the plunge and become a vegan. Once I lose that first stubborn 20 pounds, I hope the rest just falls into place. I've also given up drinking (I didn't do it much, but no one needs that shit in their bodies). And in 2010 I really hope to start up running again, since I lost touch with it after high school.

So, wish me luck!!!!!

Pounds lost so far: 0
Pounds to go: 80!!! (NOT too drastic, trust me.)